IFL Theater: Managers Be Angry
Before I begin, I know ‘Bulls Jam‘ said ‘To be continued…’, but I don’t think people are ready to revisit that series yet after what happened. And I know that I do things a couple weeks after the fact, but sometimes the creative process takes a little while longer. Anyway….
Chicago’s baseball managers have not been happy in May. Cubs manager Mike Quade blew up at his team against the Reds a couple weeks ago after a bad performance. So what do the Cubs do the next night? Play even worse. (Hilarious)
White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen blew up north of the border last weekend, after losing a 14-inning game to the Blue Jays. Then he reportedly went after the fans the next day, and then blasted the media for what they reported on what he said. Quite honestly, I have no idea what he’s ranting about here. Might be something in the water in Canada. But nevertheless, he’s one of my favorite manager/personalities in MLB.
So it appears that the managers might need to learn some kindness in responding to their teams, fans, and Chicago in general. And who’s going to be the one to do it? Ponies. Confession time. My Little Pony fans keep popping by the site and visiting, reading the two IFL Theaters that I have featured them in. They pop by more than everyone else. So I’m going to keep playing up ponies and sports in these works, and be a pageview whore. It’s a good community though, they’re pretty sweet.
With that in mind, it’s time for the show…
Fluttershy: Uhm…guys? I need some advice.
Applejack: Well what’s troublin’ ya, sugarcube?
Fluttershy: I’m suppose to help a couple humans today with anger issues. But…I don’t know if I can handle it.
Rainbow Dash: You need me to stop by and be the enforcer in case they get out of hand?
Fluttershy: I don’t know if I might need it. I…just don’t know what to expect.
Twilight Sparkle: What made them angry exactly? Was it one thing?
Fluttershy: Princess Celestia says they are leaders who have grown impatient with their subjects.
Twilight Sparkle: Why can’t the Princess do it?
Fluttershy: Princess Celestia told me she was attending to business in Fillydelphia. And she told me that I can handle it as the Element of Kindness.
Applejack: Who exactly are y’all helpin’ t’day?
Fluttershy: Uhm…the Princess told me they were involved in baseball.
*Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack look shocked*
Twilight Sparkle: Baseball players?!?
Fluttershy: *flinches* Uhm…yes?
Rainbow Dash: *punches air* Oh Celestia damnit!!
Twilight Sparkle: Not that again! You’re on your own Fluttershy!
Fluttershy: *stutters* Wh-wh-what?
Applejack: *angry* I ain’t dealin’ with those insane humans again!
Fluttershy: B-Bu-But…I need….
Rainbow Dash: Tough horseshoes. We’re staying away from this.
Twilight Sparkle: Call us when it’s over.
*Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack leave*
Fluttershy: *timid, nervous* ….eep.
Fluttershy: *nervous* Uhm…hello…and…welcome…to my…home. I’m….so glad….you could make it today. And I hope…that we can…use kindness…to make your lives…better…and happier. Won’t that be great?
Ozzie Guillen: Are you going to talk down to me like that (censored) Mariotti?
Fluttershy: *eyes widen, pupils shrink*
Mike Quade: This is f***ing stupid! The last cartoon I dealt with blew up our f***ing stadium. What are you going to do to us?
Fluttershy: *shaky voice* Oh m-my….
Mike Quade: Spit it out already! I don’t have time for this bulls***!
Fluttershy: Let’s…uhh…use…nice words, please? That will make this…easier.
Mike Quade: *grumbling* Fine.
Fluttershy: *looks at Ozzie Guillen* Let’s start with you. Why are you angry?
Ozzie Guillen: My team thinks nine innings is all we have to play. My bullpen’s a disaster. I can’t get a damn runner home when we have them in scoring position, because my hitters suck. And Adam Dunn’s couldn’t hit the ball if it was as big as his fat G**-damned head.
Fluttershy: *timid smile* Well…I’m sure your players are trying ever-so hard to be the best that they can be.
*Ozzie Guillen glares at Fluttershy*
Fluttershy: Uhm…I don’t think that’s nice…Mr. Guillen.
Ozzie Guillen: Go to hell. I don’t need any of this. My team sucks. The fans keep bitching at me because they can’t get their minds off of 2005. Think we should be winning trophies every year, but I can’t do that when Adam Dunn gets more K’s than a Klan rally, and John Danks can’t get a damn run to support him. And then the Sun-Times wants to run me out of town. F*** ‘em.
Fluttershy: But…don’t you think everyone wants your team to be its best? They love them too.
Ozzie Guillen: *dismissive wave* Then they should back off my ass. I love the game too, but my team and the city’s taking it out of me.
Fluttershy: You should try some kindness. Kindness goes a very long way. Do you treat your team with kindness?
Ozzie Guillen: I had to bitch slap Peavy daily to stop him throwing his arm off in spring training, and now he’s fine.
Fluttershy: *eeps* Uhm…that’s not…kindness.
Ozzie Guillen: But it works. I’m going to start whipping my bullpen next and see if that works.
Fluttershy: *shocked* Oh my…uhm…I’ll come back to you. *turns to Mike Quade*
Mike Quade: *snarls* You can take your kindness and stick it up your ass. That’s not going to help my bunch of f***heads win games.
Fluttershy: But…have you tried it?
Mike Quade: I lost my patience quickly with them, and thought screaming at them like the last guy would work. Well, the next night, they didn’t give up any earned runs…
Fluttershy: *confused* That’s…good?
Mike Quade: F*** no it’s not! They lost because every f***ing run that night was unearned. All 7!
Fluttershy: Maybe you should be kind to them, and try that the next time you want to talk to them about their problems.
Mike Quade: ‘Kindness’ isn’t going to solve my problems. *sneering* My left fielder gets paid $19 million to flail around in the outfield, with the fielding skills of a seizure-induced chimp.
Ozzie Guillen: *chuckles*
Fluttershy: *panics* But…that’s…not…oh no…uh….
Mike Quade: Unless you can magically give my players a jolt of skills, then I don’t need this.
Fluttershy: *shifts eyes around* Uhhhhh….excuse me, please? If that’s okay….*runs out of cottage, into the village*
*Sugar Cube Corner*
Fluttershy: *gently barges into Sugar Cube Corner* Pinkie Pie? Are you…
Pinkie Pie: *darts in front of Fluttershy* HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII FLUTTERSHY!!!!
Fluttershy: *jolts* Ah! *panting* Pinkie Pie….you scared me.
Pinkie Pie: OH I’M SORRY! I DIDN’T MEAN TO! BUT I WAS MAKING MY CUPCAKES AND YOU CAME IN AND I JUST HAD TO….
Fluttershy: *timid* Uhm…Pinkie?
Pinkie Pie: ….SEE YOU AND FIND OUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND BE WITH MY SUPER-DUPER-DUPER-DUPER-DUPER FANTASTIC…
Fluttershy: Pinkie Pie?
Pinkie Pie: ….FRIEND IN ALL OF EQUESTRIA IS UP TO. AND….
Fluttershy: *strained yell* Piiiiiiiiinkie Piiiiiiiie?
Pinkie Pie: *stops, stares at Fluttershy*
Fluttershy: I have an emergency, and I need cakes and treats and anything for a party.
Pinkie Pie: AN EMERGENCY PARTY?!? THAT’S THE BEST KIND OF PARTY!!! I’LL BRING MY KIT OF STREAMERS AND BALLOONS AND GUMMY WILL GET DOWN WITH HIS BAD SELF!!! IT’LL BE THE BEST!!!
Fluttershy: That sounds wonderful. *smiles* This should help those grumpy men.
*balloons, streamers, banners, upbeat music playing, and party decorations all over the cottage; cakes and desserts on the table with punch*
Fluttershy: What do you think? *bright smile* This party should help you relax and bring out your kindness.
*Mike Quade and Ozzie Guillen wearing party hats*
Mike Quade: Where’s the beer?
Fluttershy: *confused* …Beer?
Mike Quade: Yes, where’s the Old Style?
Fluttershy: …Old Stlye?
Ozzie Guillen: They wouldn’t serve that cat piss in a can here. Everyone knows Miller Lite’s better.
Fluttershy: *shocked* Cat…pi…pi…what…?
Mike Quade: That cheap swill? I’d rather suck on my grandmother’s teat than drink that bile.
Ozzie Guillen: *scowling* Get off your high horse new guy. You’re stuck with a franchise that would rather be losers and fill seats that way, and you can’t even fill that dump anymore!
Mike Quade: *gets in Guillen’s face* Well at least my fans aren’t violent assh***s!
Ozzie Guillen: Your fans are nothing but borderline alcoholics at the ballpark!
Fluttershy: *squeaks, hides behind table* Oh no…what do I do? This isn’t going well at all.
Angel Bunny: *hops to Fluttershy, bunny talk*
Fluttershy: What is it Angel Bunny?
Angel Bunny: *leans in, squints eyes*
Fluttershy: *studies Angel Bunny, then gasps* You want me to use…that?
Angel Bunny: *nods*
Fluttershy: But…they’re not animals. It might not work.
Angel Bunny: *points to squinted eyes, reinforcing idea*
Fluttershy: *nods* Okay…I’ll try it. *emerges from table*
*Ozzie Guillen and Mike Quade still arguing*
Fluttershy: *assertive* Excuse me you two?
*Ozzie Guillen and Mike Quade look over*
Fluttershy: *breaks out ‘The Stare’* Now you two listen and you listen good.
*Mike Quade and Ozzie Guillen in a trance*
Fluttershy: Now I’m sick and tired of you two being grumpy and angry about your situations. You’re too mean to your players, who are trying their best, and you need to respect that.
*Mike Quade and Ozzie Guillen gawking with jaws open*
Fluttershy: *sternly* You should be ashamed of your behavior. You represent high-class organizations, and you need to treat your roles with a little more dignity and grace. And you need to be nicer to your fans. They use their hard earned money to see you and your team perform, and they love you, no matter what you do, and want the best for you.
*Mike Quade and Ozzie Guillen still in a trance*
Fluttershy: Now you two go back to where you came from and do what I told you, and don’t you ever let me see or hear you being mean and awful again. You hear me?
*Mike Quade and Ozzie Guillen still in a trance*
Fluttershy: *ends the stare, watches and waits*
*Mike Quade and Ozzie Guillen break out of trance*
Fluttershy: *murmurs to self* Oh I hope it worked….
Mike Quade: *shakes head to clear it, then stares at Fluttershy…angry*
Fluttershy: *face droops* ….Uh-oh.
Mike Quade: Screw this. I’m just going to sacrifice a live goat during the 7th inning stretch and see if that work. *storms out of the cottage*
Ozzie Guillen: *on phone, Tweeting insults to players, fans, and media members* You suck. You’d be dinner back in my home country. *leaves too*
Fluttershy: *shocked, then growls in anger* It didn’t work….
Princess Luna: Thank you so much for escorting me through Ponyville today, Twilight Sparkle. I just hope I can begin to make amends for what I did as Nightmare Moon.
Twilight Sparkle: *polite head bow* Thank you Princess Luna, you are too kind.
Princess Luna: I just hope the ponies here are willing to forgive me for what I did. I still feel great shame over it.
Twilight Sparkle: I have learned over time that the ponies are kind-hearted and gentle. *looks in distance* Oh! Here comes one of the best examples of that.
Princess Luna: Who might that be? *sees what Twilight Sparkle sees*
Twilight Sparkle: That’s Fluttershy coming this way. She appears to have finished helping some….creatures…be kinder to their fellow….creatures.
Princess Luna: I can’t wait to meet her.
Twilight Sparkle: *calls out to an approaching Fluttershy* Fluttershy! How are you? Would you like to meet Princess Luna?
Fluttershy: *hoof punches Twilight Sparkle in the nose*
Twilight Sparkle: *reeling, holding bloody nose, on ground*
Princess Luna: *horrified, shocked look*
Twilight Sparkle: What the hell Fluttershy?!?
Fluttershy: *screams* The next time I ask for help, you help me! Got it, bitch?!? *storms off*
Princess Luna: *looks down at Twilight Sparkle, shifts eyes* Maybe another day….bye *quickly flies away*