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The 2011 IFB Weekly Awards

This year the weekly awards for best record and stat leaders will change up a little bit.  This year, they’re being named after someone.  It’s a common practice.  MLB awards the Hank Aaron Award for the top hitter in each league, the NFL’s Man of the Year Award is named after Walter Payton, and the NHL’s Stanley Cup is named after Lord Stanley of Preston.  So we’re doing the same this year….

….only with cartoon characters.  You saw this coming.

So without further delay, here’s what’s being awarded this year, and who each award is being named after…

  • The Bugs Bunny Best Record

There’s no way any of these awards could be named after cartoon characters, and not include the most iconic of them all, Bugs Bunny.  And it’s only fitting that the award for the best record for the week be named after Bugs.  Without Bugs, cartoons may not be what they are today.  Sure, Mickey Mouse was probably the first (didn’t research this), but that mouse started to phone it in after he got famous.  Bugs has stayed strong over the years.  Did Mickey help out troop morale in WWII with (possibly racist) cartoons to fight the Axis powers?  Did Mickey team up with Michael Jordan to defeat oversized freaks of nature space aliens and Shawn Bradley in basketball?  Did Mickey ever cross-dress and have slightly homoerotic interactions with the hunter trying to kill him to save his life?  No, no, and no.  Mickey’s too clean cut to have this award named after him, when Bugs Bunny deserves it more.

And besides, one of Bugs’ most famous cartoons involves baseball.

Now’s where we go into the stat awards, and I try to find a link that would make sense for it.

  • The Josie and the Pussycats Hits Leader

I chose this based of the definition of ‘hit’ as a popular song.  So what group was I going to pick?  The Monkees?  The Banana Splits?  Others that I can’t think of at the moment?  No.  Probably one of the more common animated bands that you can think of is Josie and the Pussycats.  The three girls dressed like cats started in 1970 and lasted for a few years, but still had an impact in later years.  A major movie IRL (in real life) version came out in 2001, that starred Tara Reid (who’s seen better days).  But then again, Hollywood will remake anything nowadays.  So because I went with the musical definition of a hit, the weekly hits award will be named after Josie and the Pussycats.

Personally, the blonde’s the hottest.

  • The Simpsons Runs Leader

For this definition, I used ‘run’ as the longest-running.  I could have used a fast character, but that was taken up by the more appropriate stolen base category.  So I decided to name the weekly runs leader award after the longest-‘run’ning animated show, and soon to be all time longest running show ever, The Simpsons.

The Simpsons has been around longer than some of you have been alive.  It started off as a short on The Tracey Ullman Show in 1987.  I was only 3 years old then.  They got their debut on FOX a week before Christmas in 1989.  Since then, 22 seasons and 481 episodes have aired, without any major changes (apart from the tragic death of Phil Hartman, I miss you Troy McClure).  In 2007, The Simpsons received their big-screen debut with The Simpsons Movie.  And the show already has planned for episode #500, and more beyond that.

So with that in mind, The Simpsons will receive the honor of the most runs in a week award.

  • The Homer Simpson Home Runs Leader

I told myself that I wasn’t going to have a show claim more than one award.  But that went out the window when I could not think of someone for the runs award.  This one was one of the first decided on.

You would think that naming the home run award after Homer Simpson is an obvious one because of the name.  That may be, but there’s more to it.  Homer Simpson has done a lot involving the game of baseball.

The most famous episode involving Homer is Homer at the Bat.  In that episode, Homer finds a magical piece of wood after a storm one night, and whittles it into a bat, which he uses to lead the Nuclear Power Plant softball team to the league championship.  But his position, along with everyone else’s, is usurped by professional baseball players.  Homer’s eventually the hero when he comes off the bench (after every pro apart from Darryl Strawberry suffers a fate that makes them miss the game) and is knocked out cold with a pitch to the head with the bases loaded.

Homer’s also been Dancin’ Homer, a dancing mascot that eventually made it to Capitol City, and chained himself to a light pole to prevent the Atoms from going to Albuquerque.  With all the evidence at hand, it’s fitting to name an award after Homer Simpson, and the home run leader category fits just fine.

  • The Fat Albert RBI Leader

For this award to make sense, you have to say RBI in a different way.  When I played baseball in Little League and high school, one of the things that would be chanted, when there were runners on base, was ‘C’mon now, get some ribeyes here!  Ribeyeribeyeribeye!’  I mean, RBI does look close enough to the delicious meat, and it sounds better to chant that than three letters in a row, back-to-back.  So when you think of cartoons and food, who do you think of?

Thought so.  I mean look at him…he’s probably eaten quite a few ribeyes in his lifetime.

There’s a lot of food that’s associated with baseball too; popcorn, hot dogs, Cracker Jacks, beer, nachos, etc.  So with all that in mind, the ‘ribeye’ RBI award is named after Fat Albert.

  • The Speedy Gonzalez Stolen Base Leader

If you want to get a stolen base, you need to be fast.  You need to have quick reflexes, get a good start, and dash towards the base to snag it before the catcher can fire it and throw you out.

When you think of a cartoon character, who do you think of that’s fast?  Speedy Gonzalez, that’s who.  His name practically represents what he does.  If you drafted him on your fantasy team, you’d have a guaranteed win each week, because Speedy would have at least 3 stolen bases everytime he got on base.  Your runs would go up too, as he could steal home with no problem, and probably could score a run on a dropped third strike.  So because of all this, Speedy Gonzalez is being honored with the stolen base leader award.

  • The Heather Average Leader

This is Heather, from Total Drama Island/Action/World Tour/Whatever the F*** We’re Calling It Now.  She’s received the honor for the average leader award.  Here’s why.

In baseball, average represents consistency.  A batter with a .325 batting average is more likely to get a hit than a batter with a .256 average.  Albert Pujols’s career batting average of .331 in 10 seasons means he will consistency get more hits than someone who paddles their way just above the Mendoza Line.

Heather from Total Drama has been one of the most consistent players on the series; winning season three, and finishing 4th in season one and 9th in season two.  That 5th place average finish is better than any of the other 23 campers on TV’s ‘first animated reality series’.  If there was a Total Drama fantasy league, you’d draft Heather because of how well she performers, just like you’d draft Albert for your fantasy baseball league.  Therefore, your average leader award is named after Heather.

  • The Rainbow Dash Wins Leader

You’ve seen her before.  For those that don’t know, this is Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.  She gets the honor over (technically not) animated character Charlie Sheen.  They’re both full of winning though, but RD gets the honor here.

She’s demonstrated a knack for winning through the series.  Take for example here when she bitch-slaps Applejack (her alleged lesbian lover) in an ‘Iron Pony’ competition (fast forward to 2:45, because WordPress won’t let me start at a certain time)…

Not only that, but Rainbow Dash stepped it up on the big stage (unlike the St. Louis Blues) at the Best Young Flyer competition.  RD overcame her prima donna, egocentric, spotlight-stealing friend Rarity, and pulled off impossible moves to save egoRarity, her heroes, and win the contest (fast foward to 15:30)….

Rainbow Dash’s theme song might as well be the DJ Khaled beat ‘All I Do is Win’, because everytime she steps into the building, everyone’s hands go up, and all she does is win win win.

You’d draft her to get you wins, like you’d draft a staff ace to get wins in the IFB.  Therefore, the wins leader category go to Rainbow Dash.

  • The Timmy Turner Loser Leader

You’ve seen him too making Final Four picks.  He sucks at that too, just like everything else in his life.  Even though the stat is for the team with the least amount of wins in a week, it just seems fitting that the award is named after Timmy.

Timmy’s life is horrible.  A hell-bent, sadistic babysitter named Vicky; nameless parents that dump him off to said-Vicky for any small reason they can think of; constantly rejected by his crush, Trixie; and an insane teacher who hands out more F’s to Timmy than courthouse appearances for Lindsay Lohan (oh wait, it’s ‘Lindsay‘ now).

The only reason he’s able to not snap at everyone is his two fairy godparents, Cosmo and Wanda, who was given to him because his life is horrible.  But even Timmy can’t handle that right.  Every time he tries to make a wish, something ends up going wrong.  Take the baseball themed episode Foul Balled.  Timmy wishes for his friend Chester to be good at baseball, while being relegated to ‘pack-mule’ status, and everything seems to be going well.  But Timmy’s team eventually gets crushed by the New York Bankees, and everyone’s a loser again.  A lesson is learned, but that’s not the point.  Timmy’s a loser, and (by name association) the least losses award goes to Timmy Turner.

  • The Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers Saves Leader

For this award, I thought about ‘saving’ as in ‘saving the day’.  There were a couple candidates planned for this.  One candidate was the Scooby Doo gang.  I said no to them because, one, I dislike Scooby Doo (deal with it), and, two, they only save the day after falling into a case after getting high.  I went with the Rescue Rangers because it’s their mission to save the day, and they’re called on to perform said mission.  Just like a major league closer.  That’s why the Rescue Rangers have the save award named after them.

  • The Herbert Base on Balls Leader

Another term for ‘base on balls’ is ‘walks’.  For this category, I went in the direction of ‘walker’, a metal frame that is used to help elderly or disabled people walk, who may not be able to.  Herbert from Family Guy is the seen about 95% of the time with a walker.  I would go into further detail about this, but I prefer to not go into further detail what Herbert is famous for.  So we’re going with Herbert’s walker in naming the base on balls leader award after him.

  • The Wile E. Coyote K’s Leader

A strikeout is when you’ve had multiple chances to get a hit or have your goal or objective achieved in a set amount of tries.  No other cartoon character strikes out more in his attempts at succeeding than Wile E. Coyote.  Even with performance enhancers from ACME, the coyote’s white whale, the Road Runner, eludes him every single episode, thus striking out in his efforts.  It’s a never-ending cycle for the oversized dog who just wants to eat.  Therefore, the league’s strikeout leader each week will receive the Wile E. Coyote award.

  • The Peppermint Patty ERA Leader

We couldn’t go through this whole list without mentioning someone from the cartoon/comic strip most associated with baseball…

You’d think we’d go with Charlie Brown as the Peanuts representative for this category, but you’re wrong.  Charlie Brown was a failure at baseball.  He never won the big game.  He always found some way to choke, and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.  So we’re naming the earned run average award, which is a good indicator of a good pitcher, after Peppermint Patty.  Wikipedia will back me up on how well she did…

Patty is also a star athlete, especially in baseball, where her team regularly trounces Charlie Brown’s squad. In the first series of strips in which Patty appeared in 1966, she actually joins “Chuck’s” team as its new pitcher, relegating Charlie Brown to the outfield. However, she quits in disgust after only one game; despite tossing a no-hitter and slamming five home runs, her new team lost, 37-5, because of their somewhat porous defense. In another occasion she let Charlie pitch the last throw of the game (Patty pitched a no-hit, no-run game and were leading 49–0 on the 9th inning, 2nd out, 2nd strike), only to see Charlie lose the game.

So in summary: Charlie Brown sucks, Peppermint Patty doesn’t.

And those are your awards that you can win in the 2011 season of the Illinois Fantasy Baseball League.

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