IFL Theater: Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue!….Again!
(Ed note: This post was originally scheduled to go up on a Friday morning. But because Mediacom is the worst f***ing internet provider in the world, I couldn’t get it up until now. Also, I would have included the White Sox, but just didn’t have the time for it. I’ll make a ‘deleted scene’. Nevertheless, enjoy.)
It hasn’t been the best news for Major League Baseball as of late in terms of combating steroid and drug use in its game. Manny Ramirez decided recently that retirement was the better option than serving a 100-game suspension for his 2nd offense. But that’s just Manny Bein’ Manny! Barry Bonds, MLB’s all-time home run leader, was found guilty on Wednesday of obstruction of justice, but had a deadlocked jury on the other charges he was up for. Although ESPN’s legal guy says he probably won’t end up in jail, the fact that it’s now possible is a black eye on his legacy, and another mark against the steroid era.
Ramirez and Bonds are veterans of the game, starting their careers in the early-90’s. So it is assumed that they were not in school at the time. However, many of today’s major leaguers are assumed to have been, and those that grew up in America, or ate at McDonald’s, were probably around to (be forced to) watch Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue! It basically was a cartoon that brought on every big name at the time, no matter what company they were drawn by, to tell a teenaged boy that he was being a dick about trying marijuana and other hard drugs. It was put on every major network, handed out by Ronald McDonald, and preceded with a message by Bush 41. It was…just awkward.
So do today’s major leaguers need a reminder that drugs are bad? Well, today’s debut edition of IFL Theater will show that yes, yes they do….
Bud Selig: Gentleman, we need to attack this steroid program with a new strategy. We’ve been able to quiet down the rage and concerns over the issue, but as long as Manny Ramirez and Barry Bonds stay in the news, and no-name minor leaguers keep getting caught, it will never go away. We may soon lose our grip on the narrative again, and lose out to a lockout in the NFL. So how do we address it?
Jimmie Lee Solomon: Keep parading Brain Wilson out to the public? That’s what the kids call…epic.
Jonathan Mariner: Buy off the media?
Jimmie Lee Solomon: Lobby Congress to put HGH in the same classification as beer and cigarettes to make it legal and accessible to the general public?
Bud Selig: No, that won’t do. *shakes head*
Robert Manfred: Leave the PR stuff to me dumbf***s. That’s my gig. What we need to do is give these chumps so positivity-BS with a stupid life lesson behind it.
Bud Selig: I like it. *nods approvingly* Is there a way we can make money off this?
Tim Brosnan: If there’s a will, there’s a way Mr. Selig.
Bud Selig: Good. *nods* You four research what’s popular right now, and come back to me this afternoon with your results. *stands up* Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for a meeting with the Yankees Task Force for giving them another World Series championship. *leaves room*
*later that day*
Bud Selig: *wearing a 2011 Yankees World Series Champions t-shirt* Okay, so what did your research turn up?
Jimmie Lee Solomon: Well we did a search of the internet for anti-drug techniques, and came across this summary of this show that children saw when they were younger. It was of animated characters telling this boy to stop doing drugs and stop hanging out with the ‘cool’ kids. I was cheering for the smoke trying to persuade the boy to do the drugs, because that’s more interesting that listening to Winnie the Pooh whine at you.
Bud Selig: What kind of drugs was this kid taking?
Tim Brosnan: Recreational stuff, like marijuana and coke. No steroids. The kids looked skinner than Nicole Richie.
Jonathan Mariner: But we think we can improvise on it, and turn it into a better product.
Bud Selig: How do we adapt it?
Jonathan Mariner: Just use cartoons that are popular today, and have them visit each club to deliver our anti-steroid message. Half the league’s so stupid that it’ll appeal to them and entertain them.
Bud Selig: How much will this cost us?
Tim Brosnan: We can either use that surplus money the Rays are hoarding, or we can use a sponsorship that I have arranged.
Bud Selig: What’s the sponsorship? *orders mafia hit on the Baltimore Orioles*
Tim Brosnan: Hasbro will pay us a half-million dollars each year to have their toys and characters be the Official Animated Characters of Major League Baseball.
Robert Manfred: Those sumab*tches practically jumped at the chance, because their channel is on the digital-cable-super-secluded-plus plans.
Bud Selig: Let’s make this happen, and happen soon. *sends out e-mail to divert the Red Sox charter plane to the Bermuda Triangle* Meeting adjourned.
*700 Clark Street, St. Louis, MO*
Spike: This looks like the right address Twi. It’s such a BIG building. These ponies here must’ve spent forever constructing this.
Twilight Sparkle: Ponies didn’t build this Spike, humans did. Now why are we here again?
Spike: Princess Celestia sent us down here to talk to the humans about the dangers of using…*looks at paper*…’performance enhancing supplements’.
Rainbow Dash: Performance enhancing? You mean like wings?
Rarity: Or magic?
Pinkie Pie: OH OH OH!!! *jumping up and down* YOU MEAN THOSE CUPCAKES AND BROWNIES THAT YOU EAT AND THEN YOU FEEL FUNNY AND HAPPY AND PEPPY AFTER?!?!? I BROUGHT A BIIIIIIIIIIG BASKET WITH ME!!! WE CAN…
Twilight Sparkle: *snarling* Pinkie! Shut up! *looks at Spike* What did the letter say?
Spike: *clears throat* My faithful student Twilight,
One of the effects of the magic of friendship is the care and love that ponies can share with each other. It’s a powerful force, and can be used to spread messages of wonder and good will. Today, I would like you and your friends to travel to Saint Louis, Missouri in the human world, at a place called ‘Busch Stadium’, and speak to their King (as you have experience with royalty). I have been told that their King has had problems with substances that alter the body, and would like you and your friends to use the power of friendship to correct any potential errs of his ways.
Twilight Sparkle: Very well.
Applejack: Well let’s get this over with. I’ve got apples ta buck, ‘n ta stop those Cutie Mark Crusaders from their next plot.
Fluttershy: *timid* Umm…are we sure…this is safe? What if the King reacts badly, and we’re banished to the Everfree Forst?
Twilight Sparkle: I’m sure Princess Celestia would not steer us into a situation that would put us in trouble. Now let’s go. *leads the group inside Busch Stadium, and towards the clubhouse*
Tony LaRussa: *sitting at desk, half-drunk, mixing vodka and Budweiser in a stadium plastic bottle* Damn Franklin….
*My Little Ponies enter clubhouse, notice LaRussa*
Spike: *whispers to Twilight Sparkle* Is this the King? He looks aged and weathered.
Twilight Sparkle: Let’s find out…*approaches LaRussa as he chugs the bottle*…Excuse me, sir?
Tony LaRussa: *hiccups, rips a low-toned burp, eyes glazed over*
Twilight Sparkle: Uh…excuse me kind sir?
Tony LaRussa: Huh? *looks up* What the ‘ell do ya want this time, Miss-lazz?
Rainbow Dash: Do kings act like this in the human world?
Tony LaRussa: *looks at ponies, closes eyes and shakes head* I can’t be that drunk. *eyes them* Who’re you?
Twilight Sparkle: *steps forward* My name is Twilight Sparkle, and we are ponies from Equestira, sent here to visit with your King.
Tony LaRussa: Ponies? *shouts towards the back* Mac! I think this week’s shipment is in!
Mark McGwire: *comes into the room, sees the ponies* This is it? Do we have to get it out of them or cut them up or something else?
Fluttershy: *squeaks, hides behind Rainbow Dash*
Mark McGwire: Let me call Jose. *leaves room*
Colby Rasmus: *enters room, excited* PONIES!!! I want to pet them and brush their hair and tell them my dreams!
Pinkie Pie: *hops over to Colby Rasmus* HI!
Colby Rasmus: *gasps* Pinkie Pie! You’re my favorite!
Pinkie Pie: WHAT’S YOUR NAME?
Colby Rasmus: I’m Colby! Are you here to play?
Tony LaRussa: *scolding tone* Colby! Go back to your locker! You’re still grounded from Saturday night!
Colby Rasmus: B-But…*tearing up*…I want to play with the ponies.
Tony LaRussa: *points and shouts* You go back to your locker right now! Or I’ll trade you to the Pirates!
Colby Rasmus: *crying* You’re not fair dad! *runs away*
Twilight Sparkle: *nervous look, breaks awkward silence* So…uhm…may we visit with your King? Are you the King?
Tony LaRussa: King? Oh…you mean Albert. *points to the locker room* Go through ‘ere.
Twilight Sparkle: *bows* Thank you. *leads ponies out of the room*
*enter locker room area, notice a man in a Cardinals uniform, sitting in a large, golden throne, holding a bat*
Twilight Sparkle: *gasps* Are you the King?
Albert Pujols: I am King Albert. Now who are you?
*ponies bow before Albert Pujols*
Twilight Sparkle: King Albert, I am Twilight Sparkle, a unicorn pony from Equestria. We have been sent by Princess Celestia to talk to you about the dangers and problems with ‘performance enhancing substances’.
Albert Pujols: *angrily glares at the ponies* …I do not take steroids.
Rarity: Steroids? Darling, is that what you humans call these ‘substances’?
Albert Pujols: *continues angry stare* I do not take steroids. I was never in the Mitchell Report. Keep speaking ill of me, and I will banish you from all of St. Louis!
Fluttershy: *timid, nervous* Oh…but, your Majesty…all we want to talk to you about…if that’s okay with you…is…..
Fluttershy: *runs out of locker room, crying like Colby Rasmus*
Rainbow Dash: Hey! *flies up to Albert Pujols, angry and pointing* King or not, you can’t do that to my friends!
Albert Pujols: You do now know who you are dealing with! I wield unlimited, powerful abilities that you can not comprehend! Why else do you think Matt Holliday’s appendix burst? *snaps fingers*
Matt Holliday: *pop sound* Ow! *keels over* My spleen!
Albert Pujols: And Adam Wainwright? My doing. *snaps fingers again*
Adam Wainwright: *left elbow explodes* Ow! Damn it Albert!
Albert Pujols: *snaps fingers again, making a plate of Hostess products appear in front of Lance Berkman*
Lance Berkman: *animal growl* Berkman eat! *grabs handfuls of Twinkies and shoves in mouth* BERKMAN EAT!
Albert Pujols: I have the power to do anything that I can imagine, to control whoever I want, and use any means necessary to stop threats to my crown. That is why I do not need steroids. Tell that to your Princess Celestia.
Rarity: Oh dear Celestia!
Tony LaRussa: *stumbles out of the manager’s room, surveys damage* Did you do this Albert? *annoyed look on face*
Albert Pujols: Minions, answer for me. *waves hand*
Ryan Theriot: *scatters forward with nervous tic* King Albert…had to show his display…of his skills…to the equine challengers of his power.
Skip Schumaker: It was a grand and glorious display. King Albert defeats all threats to his throne.
Ryan Theriot: I am forever grateful for King Albert to allow me on the RIGHT side of rivalry, with those jesters in Chicago.
*Ryan Theriot and Skip Schumaker get on knees and bow before King Albert* All praise King Albert!
Tony LaRussa: *annoyed* Well damnit, who am I goin’ start in the outfield tonight? You took out two-thirds of it, and Colby’s still grounded. Can’t you control yourself?
John Mozeliak: *runs into room* Tony! Tony! What’s the problem here?
Tony LaRussa: Albert’s exploding Matt’s insides again, killed any chance Adam will have to throw a baseball again….
John Mozeliak: *waves hands down* Tony, Tony, I don’t see a problem here. *nervous grin* Albert’s just doing what he thinks will help the team win a World Series.
Tony LaRussa: My outfield is decimated! You want me throwing Loshe out there again to flail around in left?
John Mozeliak: *whispers to Tony LaRussa* Look, just let him do what he wants. Anything to get him to sign a contract with us.
Tony LaRussa: What about my lineup for tonight?
Pinkie Pie: *hops over to Tony LaRussa* OH OH!!! I HAVE AN IDEA!!!
*later that night, Cardinals-Reds at Busch Stadium*
Mike Shannon: *in radio booth* Another great night of Cardinal baseball in downtown St. Louis. Carpenter’s rollin’ tonight, as we’ve played 5, and with a 4-0 lead.
Chris Carpenter: *angry stare at Brandon Phillips*
Brandon Phillips: *grinning and smirking like an idiot back at Chris Carpenter*
Mike Shannon: Those new additions that John found, in the field and on the bench, have been able to hold their own.
Rarity: *whining in right field* This uniform is too tight and itchy, the grass is staining my manicure, it’s too humid for my hair. Whhhhhhhhhyyyyyy must we do this?
Rainbow Dash: *playing left field* This sucks. They won’t let me fly, they won’t let me run because I was…*air quotes*…’intentionally walked’. It’s boring sitting here! I need action! I’m going to….
Applejack: *screams at both in center field* Will y’all just shut up already?!? I don’t want ta be ‘ere either. Let’s just get ‘er over with so we can head home.
Rainbow Dash: How much do we have left?
Applejack: *looks at scoreboard* 4 innings.
Rarity: *flops down, annoyed* Ugh! This has already taken all night!
Mike Shannon: Carpenter gets set, the 1-1 about to come.
Brandon Phillips: *still grinning like an idiot* Throw the ball b*tch.
Chris Carpenter: *death glare* F*** you…*snarls, throws 150 MPH fastball at Phillips’ hip, shattering it*
*benches empty, Cardinals and Reds fight…again*
*Rarity hoof-punches Johnny Gomes*
*Applejack buck-kicks Jay Bruce*
*Rainbow Dash chokes Joey Votto with her tail*
Twilight Sparkle: *from bench, managing while Tony LaRussa is passed out drunk* Spike! He hit him with the ball! And now they’re fighting! This isn’t in the book, or resembles anything friendship! What do we do?
Spike: *stammers* Uhhhh…..join ’em? *shrugs*
*Twilight Sparkle charges out of dugout*
Dusty Baker: *points and screams at Twilight Sparkle* You tell your g** damn b*tch pitchers to stop throwin’ at my players.
Twilight Sparkle: Excuse me?
Dusty Baker: You heard me you purple freak!
Twilight Sparkle: *angry* Oh yeah?!? Why don’t you tell those assh***s you call players to stop running their mouth, and I won’t have my guys throwing at them, you fat f***!!!
*Twilight Sparkle and Dusty Baker brawl and scuffle with the rest*
*Twilight Sparkle gets kicked in the head by Johnny Cueto in scuffle*
Mike Shannon: These two teams just can’t get along, now can they? *chuckles* Guess it’s time to have a refreshing Budweiser while we watch this. What do you think Pinkie?
Pinkie Pie: All according to plan…*cackles*
*St. Louis animal shelter, game on TV*
Fluttershy: *quiet, a little afraid* Oh dear, my friends could get hurt.
Fluttershy: *smiles* Why thank you Mr. Backes. Can you help make Mr. Rasmus feel better?
David Backes: No…*flies to Busch Stadium*
*Ponyville, the next day*
Twilight Sparkle: *pissed* Spike, take a letter.
Spike: *grabs scroll and feather pen*
Twilight Sparkle: Dear Princess Celestria,
Here is my report from our mission that you assigned to me and my friends in St. Louis yesterday, and my thoughts on the experiences that you let us share in…
F*** YOU!!! F*** YOU!!! F*** YOU!!! F*** YOU!!! F*** YOU!!! F*** YOU!!! F*** YOU!!!
I quit. I am joining up with Princess Luna to take over Equestria.
Shove it b*tch.
Spike: *eats letter and belches it to Princess Celestia* May I make out with Rarity before you rule us all?
Twilight Sparkle: Knock yourself out.
*1060 West Addison St., Chicago, IL*
Mike Quade: All right, listen up! We have a guest speaker coming in today, to talk to you about not juicing yourself up or anything like that that’ll cause MLB to bitch slap you into next week. Anyone not listening will get thrown off this team faster than we let go that fatf*** Silva.
Aramis Ramirez: Who’s our guest speaker today?
Mike Quade: This Dan cartoon guy that MLB shoved onto us. He’s going to talk to you about winning with other methods that shooting yourself up with ‘roids. Dan! Get in here!
Dan: Hello Chicago Cubs!
Chicago Cubs: Hi Dan!
Dan: Today I’m here to tell you that the way to get ahead, is not not by PEDs and steroids.
Geovany Soto: They’re bad for you, right?
Dan: Right, and you don’t need steroids to enhance your performance on the field. You just need a chip on your shoulder.
Carlos Marmol: Like your pissed about something?
Dan: Exactly. You haven’t won the world title for over 100 years. You haven’t even played for it for over 60. Doesn’t all that failure and futility get to you?
Alfonso Soriano: My $19 million this year eases the pain.
Dan: And it’s not your fault too. *hunched over, looks sinister* I know about your past. I know about the goat. I know about Bartmann. You can’t do anything about now. But can seek vengeance and revenge on the people of today.
Ryan Dempster: Like the Pirates? They keep beating us for unknown reasons.
Dan: Yes! So the next time you play them, just remember one thing. ‘Any means necessary to win.’
Geovany Soto: How do we do that?
Dan: I’ll teach you. I have a few things planned. And remember….*looks around suspiciously*…no steroids will be used….
*Cubs-Pirates day game*
Len Kasper the Frog: Hello Cub fans, another beautiful day for baseball here at Wrigley, on WGN. *flails arms and head wildly* YAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!! Cubs try to salvage a series today against the Pirates, and we’ve heard they’re taking a new direction in how they approach games. We talked to their new strategy coach, Dan, about what’s in store.
*plays video clip*
Dan: *sinister, maniacal cackling* Look out world…no one is safe.
Len Kasper the Frog: Very vague, but we’re looking forward to it. Let’s head down to the field where today’s starter, Carlos Zambrano, is ready to throw first pitch.
Carlos Zambrano: *glaring, normal look*
Len Kasper the Frog: First up for the Pirates is Jose Tabata.
Jose Tabata: *steps into batters box*
Carlos Zambrano: *pitches*
Jose Tabata: *swings, hits ball up the middle*
Geovany Soto: *kicks and sweeps Jose Tabata’s legs out from under him, kicks Jose Tabata’s head*
Jose Tabata: *screams in pain and agony*
Len Kasper the Frog: Oh! Looks like Tabata has trouble getting out of the box, and Soto’s making sure he doesn’t get to first base. Cub fans, don’t forget to come out to Wrigley on May 22nd when we host the Braves, for Cubs Beanie Baby Day. First 10,000 kids to the ball park receive a Beanie Baby, with a Cubs logo on it.
Umpire: *screams at Geovany Soto* Hey! I saw that! You can’t do that!
Geovany Soto: *holds arms out* It was an accident. I was trying to get to first base, and we tripped.
*Jose Tabata carried off field*
Dan: *tents fingers* Excellent…good start.
Len Kasper the Frog: Top of the third here, with the Cubs up 2-0 on an Aramis Ramirez 2 RBI double. *flails again* YAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!! First up in this half of the inning for the Pirates is Neil Walker.
Neil Walker: *steps in the batter’s box, a little nervous*
Carlos Zambrano: *bares teeth and snarls at Neil Walker*
Neil Walker: *yips and takes a deep breath*
Len Kasper the Frog: Here’s the wind-up, and the pitch
Carlos Zambrano: *pitches, throws a high-speed fastball at Walker’s head, destroying his helmet*
Neil Walker: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! *falls down, clutches head, twitching*
Len Kasper the Frog: Oh…Walker’s going to get a free base here, if he can get up. Want to pass along a note from 94-year-old Gertie Smith, watching us on WGN from Sterling, IL. Gertie wanted to tell us that she enjoys the Cubs, and thinks that Dan is pretty cute.
*Neil Walker taken off on stretcher*
Umpire: *marches out, points to both benches* That’s your warning!
Len Kasper the Frog: Cubs now up 7-2 here in the sixth inning. Pedro Alvarez on second, with Andrew McCutchen at the plate. McCutchen is 0-for-2 today.
Carlos Zambrano: *pitches to Andrew McCutchen*
Andrew McCutchen: *hits ball*
Pedro Alvarez: *runs to third*
Len Kasper the Frog: Ground ball to Starlin Castro at short, and…he’s going to try and get Alvarez out.
Starlin Castro: *chases down Pedro Alvarez, blindside tackles him*
Len Kasper the Frog: A big time tag by Castro to make sure he got him, and Alvarez is out.
Starlin Castro: *begins to punch and wail on Alvarez’s face*
Len Kasper the Frog: Looks like Aramis is coming over to pick up the ball that Castro dropped and make a….nope, just helping Starlin.
Aramis Ramirez: *stomping down on Alvarez’s head*
Len Kasper the Frog: Top of the ninth, one away, Cubs only up by a run now. Lyle Overbay is the tying run on third, with Garrett Jones at the plate.
Carlos Marmol: *eyes Jones, pitches*
Garrett Jones: *hits a flyball to Kosuke Fukudome in the outfield*
Len Kasper the Frog: This might be deep enough to tie the game, as Fukudome is under it*
Kosuke Fukudome: *catches the ball*
Lyle Overbay: *tagging, running towards the plate*
Len Kasper the Frog: Overbay heading home with a chance to tie it!
Kosuke Fukudome: *eyes Overbay, pulls out harpoon* F*** YOU WHALE!!! *shoots harpoon at Lyle Overbay, hitting him square in the chest*
Lyle Overbay: *falls down, dead*
Len Kasper the Frog: Got ’em before he could score! *flails* YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! That’ll leave a mark on Overbay though.
Umpire: *irate* That’s it! *points to Cubs dugout* I’ve had enough of this blatant disregard for rules or human life! You forfeit the game and lose!
Dan: *pissed* WHAT?!?
Umpire: *waves arms* Game over! Pirates win by forfeit!
Dan: *snarling, seething, growling*
*one minute later*
Dan: *blows up Wrigley Field*
*the next day, State Capitol, Springfield, IL*
Tom Ricketts: So can I get my state funding now? We need to restore whatever historic value is left of it.
Gov. Pat Quinn: Did you give me a campaign donation?
Tom Ricketts: I wired it last night.
Gov. Pat Quinn: I’ll see what I can do.