Home > IFL Theater > IFL Theater: Season Wrap-Up!

IFL Theater: Season Wrap-Up!

As far as local teams are concerned, hockey is over this year.  In the American Hockey League, the Chicago Wolves and Rockford IceHogs didn’t make the Calder Cup playoffs, while the Peoria Rivermen were swept out of the first round by the Houston Aeros.  In the NHL, the St. Louis Blues threw away the best start in franchise history, thanks to injuries and inconsistent play, and did not even make the playoffs this year (ed. note: They’ll be back…they’ll be back…).  And the Chicago Blackhawks took the President’s Trophy winning Vancouver Canucks to overtime of Game 7 in the Western Conference quarterfinals, in a series that they nearly were swept out of.

So as far as Illinois is concerned, hockey is over with this year, and it’s time for a more intense focus on the baseball season.  Since I’m a good commissioner and all, I won’t even put my homer hat on and rant about how the Blackhawks were gifted a playoff spot because they scored a goal against the Blues in the last week of the season that should have been disallowed because Marian Hossa kicked the puck in (which didn’t even cross the line), and how that should have been a regulation win for the Blues, and how if the war room in Toronto had actually done its job, the Blackhawks would have been tied with the Dallas Stars at the end of the season and the Stars would have taken the playoff spot through the tiebreaker…

But I’m a good commissioner, and I won’t dedicate this post today to Game 7 game-winning goal scorer and hero Alex Burrows because of all that.

And I would be with fault if I didn’t let Puck Daddy have their say at the end of hockey in Chicago this year.

So this week’s edition of IFL Theater will focus on said Blackhawks, who will get the proper send-off that is required, thanks to some familiar (and apparently extremely popular) faces to the blog.  If you need a reference point for what is about to happen, watch this.  I will not apologize too for a lack of musical rhythm and timing, because I know I suck at it.  References and attempts to insult may be way off base too, acknowledging that I should watch more hockey, other than my team…

*United Center, Chicago, IL; Blackhawks locker room*

Joel Quenneville: Men, it’s been a rollercoaster season.  Not many people were predicting us to defend the Cup, or even make the playoffs.  But I’m proud of the way you fought all year long to get to the playoffs and have a chance, as well as how we fought back against Vancouver.  This was a good season, and we’ll be back hungrier than ever.  So clean out your lockers, and I’ll see you in September.  I’m off to give mustache rides to the few true fans we have left.  *leaves room*

*Blackhawk players start cleaning out*

Jonathan Toews: *taking clothes off hangers* So what do you guys plan on doing for the summer?

Corey Crawford: *putting pads in duffel bag*  I guess working on a contract.  I love it here, but I don’t know if management will short-change me, or give me a franchise-killing contract…like you guys have.

Marian Hossa FC: *nods, practices kicking motions* Yeah, those are good.  I may test the market since we didn’t win the Cup.

Jonathan Toews: *chuckles* Oh you, up to your tricks again.  Where are you looking at?

Marian Hossa FC: I think New Jersey wants to overpay someone overrated again.

*singing is heard in distance*

*Blackhawks pause, shrug it off*

Jonathan Toews: What about you Kaner?

Patrick Kane: *shirtless, drunk* I…I’m….*points to self*….gonna run down…*hiccups*…Michigan…and pick up…the laaaaaaaaaadies…in my sex limo.

Jonathan Toews: At least find some better looking girls this time.

Patrick Kane: You…you…shut up! *swings fist, falls flat on face*

*singing heard again in the distance*

Corey Crawford: What the hell is that?

Duncan Keith: I think they’re warming up for the Bulls.

Dave Bolland: *slurred* But the Balls at other floor…run and play…*pouring water and Gatorade into duffel bag*…they play in their offs…and….*looks around*….where I be?

Jonathan Toews: You came back too early

Dave Bolland: I superstar! *runs around with arms out, making airplane noises*

*singing continues in distance, gets louder*

Jonathan Toews: Alright, I’m checking that out…

*Toews, Hossa FC, Crawford, Kane, Bolland, and Keith head out to a darkened United Center rink*

Marian Hossa FC: What are we suppose to be looking at?  Where’s the music coming from?

*spotlight turns on, piano plays*

Rainbow Dash: *singing* Seven months in the hockey rink…a journey through fall, winter, and spring.

Pinkie Pie: *singing* Fighting to defend your crown…through Blue, Predator, and Red Wing. (ed. note: F*** the Blue Jackets)

Applejack: *singing* But your big role players up and left…Big Buff, Versteeg, and Eager too

Rarity: *singing* Overspending and salary dumps…who knew Adam Burish was a big need for you?

Corey Crawford: *confused* What is this?

Jonathan Toews: *scratches head* Are those…singing ponies?

Marian Hossa FC: And…singing about us?

Twilight Sparkle: *singing* The time has come for season’s end…your playoff run was short

Time to hit the links and greens…the bandwagon’s quickly losing support

Time for Vince Vaughn to make more films…his presence an annoying gimmick

The only thing worse was ‘The Dilemma’…his latest suck-fest of a flick

Dave Bolland: Hey!  I like his picture move!

Twilight Sparkle: *singing* How did you make the playoffs again?  It seemed like a joke.

But justice was served in the end, because Loungo did not choke.

Ponies: *singing* Season wrap-up!  Season wrap-up!

You knew this run wouldn’t last!

Season wrap-up!  Season wrap-up!

Your Cup glory’s now in the past!

Your Cup glory’s now in the past!

Jonathan Toews: *irritated* We’ll be back next year!

Rainbow Dash: *skates over to Toews, singing* You played valiantly as captain of this team…but you still fight like a little bitch.

A late-goal gave your team renewed hope…but Campoli’s OT puck slip was a stitch

Time to go home to Winnipeg…and ponder what you must do

After you lose more teammates through Salary Dump, Part Two

Jonathon Toews: *grumbles* We’ll be fine.

Pinkie Pie: *skates over to Patrick Kane, singing* Time to go home to Buffalo…the party won’t be as large

But you can still live it up!  They won’t even give you a cover charge!

Patrick Kane: *slurs* Sweeeeet…

Ponies: *singing* Season wrap-up!  Season wrap-up!

You knew this run wouldn’t last!

Season wrap-up!  Season wrap-up!

Your Cup glory’s now in the past!

Your Cup glory’s now in the past!

Rarity: *skates over to Marian Hossa FC, singing*  Use your off-season to learn the rules…you know that kicking just won’t do

Marian Hossa FC: *annoyed* My stick hit it…

Applejack: *skates over to Corey Crawford* You filled in greatly in the goal…now you must hope they don’t pay you in coal

Jonathan Toews: *grumbles* I’ve had enough of this…*heads out*

Ponies: *singing* Season wrap-up!  Season wrap-up!

You knew this run wouldn’t last!

Season wrap-up!  Season…..

*horn blares through the United Center*

Ponies: *cower, cover ears, yell in agony*

*Chelsea Dagger blasts on loudspeakers*


Patrick Kane: *slurring* Da da da, daaaaa da da, da daaaaa da, da da da da aaaa…

Dave Bolland: *fuzzy* I good, she steal me stuff…WE SCORE!!!

Jonathan Toews: *robotic glare at ponies* All right, now who are you, and why are you here?

Twilight Sparkle: *stammers* Umm…uhh…welll….

Jonathan Toews: *continues robotic glare*

Rainbow Dash: Man, blink your eyes for once.


Corey Crawford: Yeah, well we don’t appreciate it.

Duncan Keith: Who put you up to this?

Applejack: Well….


*St. Louis, MO; Scotttrade Center*

Fluttershy: Do you think my friends will be back soon?  I worry they might be harmed.

David Backes: It’ll be okay Fluttershy.  You can be reassured by All-American hero David Backes that they’ll be safe.  Toews knows better than to mess with my friends.

T.J. Oshie: *sitting in lounge chair, baked* Man, talking horses…*giggling*…how is it possible?

Chris Stewart: *low-tone* Yo, you fillies are alright, eh?  Know what I’m sayin’

Fluttershy: Thank you again Mr. Stewart for helping with the lyrics.

Chris Stewart: Ain’t nothin’ but a g-thang, eh?


*later that night, United Center*

Dave Bolland: *fuzzy* You say fan stay, with this? *holds, studies muffin intensely*

Derpy Hooves: Muffin good.  Muffin fill wagon.  Make muffin ball and hit it.  Muffin score!!!  We win!!!

Images from Ponychan, Yahoo! Sports, MLP:FiM Wiki, screencaps of MLP:FiM ‘Winter Wrap-Up’ episode from Masterlinkx

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