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IFL Theater: Bulls Jam

This series isn’t dead.  Just isn’t restricted to Fridays anymore….

Some are calling the biggest playoff series in the history of the NBA, the 2011 Eastern Conference Finals.  The top-seeded Bulls, led by league MVP Derrick Rose, take on a Miami Heat team that some sports writers wanted to give the title to in the preseason, after they acquired LeBron James and Chris Bosh.  They felt that the Heat would be a dominating force, breaking marks for victories and cruise to an NBA championship.  But, they stumbled and did not meet those expectations, leaving the Chicago Bulls as the top team in the NBA playoffs.

Now the two teams will battle for the right to go to the NBA Finals, representing the Eastern Conference.  Despite home-court advantage, many pundits picked the Heat to win the series.  So, how do the Bulls feel about it?  The latest edition of IFL Theater takes a look at how they will handle it, with a famous face and references to a bad movie….

*Berto Center, Chicago, IL*

Derrick Rose: *shakes head in disbelief* Eastern Conference Finals.  No one thought we’d be here to start the year.

Carlos Boozer: Crazy ride man.
Kyle Korver: What are you talkin’ about?  You’ve been out for half the year.
Carlos Boozer: I still contribute.

Joakim Noah: Doubters they speak, but we not meek.  The Bulls come out on top, and they know we won’t stop.
Kyle Korver: We got Miami next.  They’re going to be tough.
Derrick Rose: We got home court, we can take them.
Kyle Korver: I’m nervous though, I’ll admit.  I’ve never played this deep before in a playoff or tournament.
Carlos Boozer: You got it, kid.  You got us.  I won a title at Duke, and a gold medal.
Joakim Noah: Bruins and Buckeyes, I topple those guys.  I know how to win, and I do it a’gin.
Derrick Rose: I’ve had my deep runs.  I’m glad we got the Heat.  I need my revenge against Mario Chalmers, lucking that title away from me.
Carlos Boozer: Beside, we’ve beaten them all three times this season.  I feel confident.

Tom Thibodeau: *enters room* Men, I couldn’t helped but overheard your conversation here about our next series.
Derrick Rose: It’s no big coach.  Kyle’s just nervous, and we’re just telling him we got his back.
Tom Thibodeau: Yeah well this series is going to be completely different.  Just because we handled them in the regular season, doesn’t mean they won’t be the same team in the postseason.  We can’t take anything for granted.
Joakim Noah: Tru dat, tru dat.
Derrick Rose: How are they different this time around, coach?
Tom Thibodeau: Well…there’s a reason some call them a ‘three-headed monster’.
Kyle Korver: What’s that suppose to mean?
Tom Thibodeau: I have the answer, but I prefer you go to the elders to seek the answers and guidance you are looking for.
Carlos Boozer: Who’s the elders?


*Cog Hill Golf Course, Clubhouse, Lemont, IL*

*Rose, Noah, Boozer, and Korver enter and walk around*

Derrick Rose: Coach said the elders were here?  Who are these people?
Kyle Korver: This is starting to feel like a kung-fu movie.
Joakim Noah: Unknown elders that we must meet, goin’ tell us how we can beat the Heat.
Carlos Boozer: Coach says we have to look for a few guys sitting around a table in the basement.
*Rose, Noah, Boozer, and Korver continue walking; hear the sound of laughing and poker chips from the basement*
Derrick Rose: This must be it.
*Rose, Noah, Boozer, and Korver head downstairs*
*room has mist of cigar smoke; three figures sit at a round, green felt table with a dim-lamp over them*
Kyle Korver: Excuse me, sirs?  We’re looking for the Bulls elders.
*short pause*
Low Voice #1: ….You were sent by Thibodeau, weren’t you?
Carlos Boozer: Yes sir.
Low Voice #1: You have come to the right place. *stands up, revealing self*

Derrick Rose: *gasp* Michael Jordan!
Kyle Korver: *gasps and points at another* Oh my God!  Osama bin Laden!  We didn’t kill him!

Scottie Pippen: *stands up, shouts* I’m Scottie Pippen damnit!  Stop confusing me with him!
Carlos Boozer: *points* Dennis Rodman!

Dennis Rodman: *chuckles* Y’all just crack me up.
Derrick Rose: So you three are the elders?
Michael Jordan: That’s right.  We the core of the last time to win a championship.
Kyle Korver: So you know what we do to win?
Michael Jordan: *nods* We have seen your progress, and have been pleased by what we’ve seen.  But we can sense inexperience, and fear.
Joakim Noah: Fear?  Not me, we, or thee.  Going this far is all we can be.
Carlos Boozer: Yeah, we’ve all won championships on some level, or have gotten close.
Scottie Pippen: You’re playing in the NBA now.  Some of you know that. *eyes Boozer*
Dennis Rodman: This ain’t no kiddie game anymore.
Kyle Korver: But we handled the Heat in the regular season too.
Dennis Rodman: Postseaon’s completely different.  They spent their regular season building up, and forming the beast they are today.
Derrick Rose: Well then how do we play them?  What’s our strategy?
Michael Jordan: *pulls out iPad* Know your enemy.  Look at this….
*shows them the Heat-dra*

Kyle Korver: Dear God!  That’s….what is that?
Michael Jordan: Didn’t your coach tell you about their ‘three-headed monster’, and why they got LeBron and Bosh in the offseason?
Carlos Boozer: I guess this is why
Joakim Noah: That things a beast, it’s hungry for a feast.
Derrick Rose: We can’t beat that!  They might as well give them the trophy right now!
Michael Jordan: You can beat the Heat-dra.  We can’t tell you how, but I know a guy who can show you the way.


*Berto Center*

*Boozer, Rose, Noah, and Korver waiting impatiently*

Kyle Korver: Where this guy?  He’s running late.
Joakim Noah: Have no fear, he could be near.
Derrick Rose: Maybe this is part of the process, making us wait.
Carlos Boozer: And we have to be alert, or something like that.
*burrowing heard underground*
Kyle Korver: What was that?
Derrick Rose: Are they doing construction here?
Joakim Noah: The ground groans and grumbles, must be time for rumbles
*burrowing gets closer*
Carlos Boozer: Maybe there’s rats here.
Derrick Rose: Those must be some pretty damn big…
*rabbut explodes out of the ground in front of the four, who flinch and cower back*
Kyle Korver: What the hell was that?

Bugs Bunny: *pulls out carrot and munches on it* Eh….what’s up Docs?
Derrick Rose: *shocked* Bugs Bunny?
Joakim Noah: It’s the Rabbit Supreme, here to help our team!
Bugs Bunny: Ya got that right.
Carlos Boozer: You’re the guy who’s going to help us beat the Heat?
Bugs Bunny: My ol’ pal Michael told me ya needed help in beating the beast.  And I know how.
Derrick Rose: What are you going to teach us?
Bugs Bunny: Ya ever seen Space Jam?
*the four nod*
Bugs Bunny: That wasn’t fiction, it was a documentary.  That was real and accurate events that you saw.  Profits from that helped rebuild our town.
Kyle Korver: You’re kidding, right?
*Bugs Bunny shakes his head*
Joakim Noah: You act like you playin’, but the truth is what you sayin’?
Bugs Bunny: All true my rhyming friend.  And if ya want to reach the Finals, just follow my advice.
Derrick Rose: Well, if this is what the Bulls Elders say, then I guess we gotta.
Bugs Bunny: That’s the spirit! *plants a big kiss on Derrick’s Roses lips*
Derrick Rose: BLEGH!!! *wipes mouth*

*one hour later*

*decoys and dummies set up around Berto Center practice floor*
Bugs Bunny: All right Kyle.  Ya ready for the drill?
Kyle Korver: I guess so.  What do I do here?
Bugs Bunny: Get by that. *points to cardboard cutout of 15-foot tall, fat monster with Chris Bosh’s face taped on it*
Kyle Korver: Easy, just dribble by it.
Bugs Bunny: Not necessarily Doc.  He’ll just grab ya and slam ya down to the ground.
Kyle Korver: Then what do I do?
Bugs Bunny: Just run right up to it.
Kyle Korver: *runs up to the monster* Now what?
Bugs Bunny: Reach behind and in your shorts.
Kyle Korver: *raises eyebrow* What?!?
Bugs Bunny: *nods*
Kyle Korver: *grumbles and does so* I don’t get any of….*pulls out large mallet, shocked* Where did this come from?!?
Bugs Bunny: Now bop him in the head!
Kyle Korver: *still shocked* Are you serious?!?
Bugs Bunny: Do it Doc!  Ya gotta be quick!
Kyle Korver: *shakes it off, jumps up 15 feet, smashes mallet on monster’s head*
*monster falls to the ground*
Bugs Bunny: There ya go!  Now you can get to the basket!
Kyle Korver: How is this possible?!?
Bugs Bunny: *shrugs* It just is.

*half hour later*

Bugs Bunny: Ready for your drill, Doc?
Derrick Rose: Yeah, just don’t kiss me again.
Bugs Bunny: Noted. *salutes* See the monster over there? *points to a 10-foot tall, thin monster with LeBron James’ face taped on it*
Derrick Rose: *nods*
Bugs Bunny: Doc, I want ya to flirt your way by that defender.
Derrick Rose: *flabbergasted* …..Excuse me?
Bugs Bunny: It’s a tried and true method of mine.
Derrick Rose: *sighs and shakes head* If this is what the elders want.
Bugs Bunny: That decoy won’t move, so I gotta Elmer over there standing behind it to move it and react to ya.
Elmer Fudd: *waves* Hell-wo Mr. Wose.
Derrick Rose: Do I just go up to it, or what?
Bugs Bunny: *points* Pop into that side office over there, and let it happen.
Derrick Rose: Let what happen?
Bugs Bunny: Trust me.
Derrick Rose: *mutters* Damn this is getting weird. *jogs into side office*
Bugs Bunny: They’re gettin’ the hang of this. *munches on carrot*
Derrick Rose: *from room* What the hell man?!? *comes out in blonde wig, Jessica Rabbit dress and heels, and make-up* This is part of the game plan?!?
Bugs Bunny: Yep Doc. *finishes carrot*  Now flirt with the monster.
Derrick Rose: Shouldn’t I work on my crossover or my jumper?!?
Bugs Bunny: Trust me on this.
Derrick Rose: *mutters* This is gay. *walks over to monster, feeling awkward* H-He-Hello there….b-big boy.
Elmer Fudd: *shakes monster decoy* Rawwwrr.
Derrick Rose: Ain’t seen…you…in these….*punches air* This is stupid!
Bugs Bunny: Trust me, Doc.  And be confident.
Derrick Rose: *sighs, shakes head, muttering* Confident, okay…. *turns back to monster decoy* *sultry voice* I haven’t seen you around these parts before.
Elmer Fudd: *shakes decoy* Rawwwrrr.
Derrick Rose: *sultry* So handsome and good-looking.  How do you maintain those good looks?
Elmer Fudd: *shakes decoy and giggles*
Derrick Rose: *sultry, leans up against decoy* What do you say we hit the clubs, and I can treat you right?
Elmer Fudd: *bashful and giggles behind decoy*
Bugs Bunny: Ya got him, Doc!  Now uppercut him!
Derrick Rose: *uppercuts Elmer Fudd and the decoy, flattening both*
Bugs Bunny: *cheering* You got it!  That was real good!
Derrick Rose: *surprised* This is so weird.

*an hour later*

*Kyle Korver holding mallet, Derrick Rose still in dress, Joakim Noah in karate outfit, Carlos Boozer dribbling cartoon round black bomb*
Bugs Bunny: *addressing them* You’ve come along so far today.  Docs, I feel that you can go forward and slay the beast, and move on to the Finals.
Carlos Boozer: Thanks Bugs.  Are you sticking around for this?
Bugs Bunny: I’ll be around Doc. *munches on carrot*


*Sunday night, United Center, Chicago, IL, Game 1*

Marv Albert: Welcome to Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals, here at the United Center in Chicago, on TNT.  Yes!  Experts have actually predicted the top-seeded Bulls to be the underdogs in this series.
Steve Kerr: Miami has seemed to gel better as a team since the regular season, in a productive unit.  In fact, they’ve gelled so well, they’ve formed into a large, angry, violent hydra.
Marv Albert: We spoke to LeBron before the game.
*in United Center parking lot*
LeBron James: *roars loudly* BOSTON DEFEATED!!!  *slams head on cars*  LEBRON SEEKS CHAMPIONSHIP!!! *slams head into United Center roof* LEBRON STILL LOVE CLEVELAND!!!
Marv Albert: LeBron’s hungry to win a championship, having been as close as the NBA Finals.  Tip-off a few minutes away.

*1st quarter*

Derrick Rose: *dribbles ball up court*
Heat-dra, LeBron’s head: *stares down Derrick Rose*
Derrick Rose: *eyes LeBron, sets up play*
Heat-dra, LeBron’s head: *slams self into Derrick Rose, knocking Derrick Rose down*
Marv Albert: And a steal for LeBron!
Heat-dra, LeBron’s head: *picks up ball in mouth and drops it into the net*
Derrick Rose: *groans, gets up* Damnit….

*later in 1st quarter*

Kyle Korver: *waving hands in the corner*
Marv Albert: Korver’s setting up for a three from the baseline.
Carlos Boozer: *passes ball to Kyle Korver*
Kyle Korver: *catches, sets up for three*
Heat-dra, Chris Bosh’s head: *roars and swings head at Korver, knocking Korver 10 rows back*
Marv Albert: And a rejection for Bosh!

*2nd quarter*

Marv Albert: Heat leading as the 2nd quarter is underway.  Heat coach Erik Spoelstra setting up his defense.
Heat-dra, Spoelstra’s head: Triangle defense!  Guard the lines!
*LeBron’s head sets up at key, Wade and Bosh heads set up on corners*
Joakim Noah: *posting up in the paint* Pass me the rock, no way they can block!
Derrick Rose: *passes it to Joakim Noah*
Joakim Noah: *pivot step, turns to hoop for lay up*
Heat-dra, Wade’s head: *smacks down Noah in mid-lay up, sending Noah through the floor*
Marv Albert: Wade with the rejection!  Yes!

*halftime, locker room*

*Noah, Boozer, Rose, and Korver looking battered and bruised*
Tom Thibodeau: We’re lucky we only came out of that half tied guys.  That could have been a lot worse.  Didn’t you use your teachings from the elders?
Derrick Rose: I don’t know if they would work coach.  The Heat-dra is just too much!
Tom Thibodeau: You can do it Derrick.  The elders and their teacher have the highest confidence in you.
Kyle Korver: *panting* We’re giving all we can coach.
Tom Thibodeau: You’re the Chicago Bulls.  You represent not only a basketball team, but the hopes of this city.  No one predicted you to be in this position at the start of the season.  Everyone wanted to hand the championship to the Heat.  But you fought and battled and scraped your way to the top.
Carlos Boozer: But coach, those techniques are so…
Tom Thibodeau: Crazy?  Yes.  But you’ve come this far.  Don’t let it die now.

*3rd quarter*

Marv Albert: Second half about to get underway here in Chicago, with the Bulls and the Heat tied up.
Derrick Rose: *dribbles the ball up the court*
Heat-dra, LeBron’s head: *snorts and leans head down to Derrick’s level*
Derrick Rose: *mutters to self* Alright, here we go. *darts off floor in cloud of smoke*
Marv Albert: Derrick Rose has left the floor, and….oh, he’s back…and in a new get up!  I like this one!  Yes!
Derrick Rose: *in Jessica Rabbit outfit, sultry voice* Well howdy there LeBron.  Been a while since I’ve seen you.
Heat-dra, LeBron’s head: *tilts head, confused*
Derrick Rose: *sultry* Have you been working out?  Because I like what I see.
Heat-dra, LeBron’s head: LEBRON WORK OUT FOR PLAYOFFS!!!
Derrick Rose: *walks circle around LeBron’s head, trailing finger under its chin* I like what I see.
Heat-dra, LeBron’s head: DERRICK LIKE? *girly giggle*
Derrick Rose: *whispers to LeBron’s head* You play so well on the court too.  You’re my MVP.
Heat-dra, LeBron’s head: *blushing, giggling*
Derrick Rose: *turns, uppercuts LeBron’s head with a powerful punch*
Heat-dra, LeBron’s head: *knocked out*
Derrick Rose: *takes ball to hoop for a lay-up*
Marv Albert: *now wearing black bra and panties, with a dog collar* Derrick Rose with the sweet move to get past LeBron!  Yes!  I’m excited!
Steve Kerr & Reggie Miller: *scoots away from Marv Albert*

*later in the 3rd quarter*

Marv Albert: *now being spanked by a female leather dominatrix* Bulls have jumped out….*thwack*…to a big run….*thwack*….here in the 3rd….*thwack*….quarter.
Derrick Rose: *passes ball to Kyle Korver*
Kyle Korver: *catches ball, sets up to shoot a three*
Heat-dra, Wade’s head: *leans down, guarding Korver*
Kyle Korver: *looks for open man*
Marv Albert: Wade playing good defense…*thwack*…on Korver
Kyle Korver: *whispers to self* Trust in the elders.  *reaches into shorts and pulls out a large mallet*
Heat-dra, Wade’s head: *looks confused*
Kyle Korver: *jumps up to Wade head’s level, smashes it over the head with mallet*
Heat-dra, Wade’s head: *woozy, collapses*
Kyle Korver: *shoots ball while still in the air, swishes a three*
Marv Albert: Korver with a dazzling move, and the three!  The Bulls continue their hot streak!

*late 4th quarter*

Marv Albert: The Bulls are up big late, with LeBron and Dwayne Wade now knocked out of the game.  Noah is posting up at the top of the key.  Wait…now he’s left the court.  Where did he go?
Reggie Miller: *points at center court* There he is!
*spotlight focuses on Joakim Noah at center court, wearing a karate outfit*
Marv Albert: It appears Noah is dressed to give the knockout blow…literaly.  Yes!
Heat-dra, Spoelstra’s head: *shouts to Bosh’s head* Man-up on him!  Guard him!
Heat-dra, Bosh’s head: *leans head down and snorts at Noah*
Joakim Noah: Y’all gonna embrace my kung-fu, because I’m gonna end you.
Heat-dra, Bosh’s head: *roars*
Joakim Noah: *roundhouse kick to Bosh’s head*
Heat-dra, Bosh’s head: *reels and roars in agony*
Joakim Noah: *karate chops Bosh’s head*
Heat-dra, Bosh’s head: *swings head at Noah*
Joakim Noah: *jumps up and avoids head, then uppercuts Bosh’s head with a karate kick, landing with a backflip*
Heat-dra, Bosh’s head: *knocked out*
Heat-dra, Spoelstra’s head: *moves head under basket to survey players* Get up!  Play defense and stop them!
Marv Albert: Boozer with the alley-oop to Gibson!
Taj Gibson: *grabs basketball-bomb out of mid-air and slam dunks the bomb onto Spoelstra’s head, exploding it*
Heat-dra, Spoelstra’s head: *dead*
*buzzer sounds*
Marv Albert: Bulls win!  They take game 1!

*Bulls locker room*

Tom Thibodeau: I knew you guys could do it!  I’m proud of you!  You played tough, you took the lessons you learned and applied them.  And we showed the Heat that we’re not going to roll over for them!
Bulls players: *clapping and hoots*
Derrick Rose: Man it seemed crazy, but Bugs knew the right gameplan.
*carrot munching heard*
Bulls players: *look in carrot’s direction*
Bugs Bunny: *hanging upside down from pipe, munching on carrot* That’s right, Doc.
Kyle Korver: How did you know that all those seemingly impossible things would help us win?
Bugs Bunny: Eh….*munches carrot*….experience. *winks*
Joakim Noah: Bugs Bunny showed us how to pop, and the Bulls, we came out on top.  Respect. *thumps chest and points to Bugs*
Bugs Bunny: Right back atcha. *points and winks*
Kyle Korver: Are you going to be around for the rest of our series?
Bugs Bunny: No can do.  But what I’ve taught you will last with you forever.  Just execute it, and you’ll be fine.
Derrick Rose: *nods and smiles* Thanks again.
Bugs Bunny: No problem Doc.  I’ll be watchin’ ya. *dives into floor, burrowing a hole and burrowing away*
Tom Thibodeau: Alright men, we got Game 2 in a few days.  Rest up and I’ll see you at Berto tomorrow.

To be continued….

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  1. June 1, 2011 at 12:31 PM

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